Tag Archives: shits and giggles

Habitat for Profanity

Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November …

It is that time again.  You know the one I am talking about … cults of insanity.  No, I am not going to even attempt to do NaNoWriNo after my eight word masterpiece (otherwise known as The November 2009 Epic Fail) but I really need to get back into the groove of writing/blogging every day. When all else fails, there is always another freaking meme going around.  This time it is a 30-day challenge that has been going around on all the kewl fuckers blogs.  While I am usually not a follower, I am wearing my T-shirt for the next 30 days.  Hopefully, this will not be bloggercide.

Here goes nothing something.   The topic for day 1  is something you hate about yourself.  Who did this?  Really?  Why can’t we start off with something easy like What did you do on summer vacation? Boo. Hiss.  And Other Expletives.  Eureka!  That’s it!  Believe it or not, I hate my casual and frequent use of profanity.  It has been a lifelong struggle.  Sybil smacked me in the mouth and washed it out with Lava soap more times than I can count.  Like Hemingway said of his efforts in The Sun Also Rises, I have tried to reduce profanity, but I have to admit that I like its cathartic effect.  I believe that honesty is always the best policy, and there are times that I aim to be abusive, blasphemous, and expressive.  Simply put, profanity provides relief.  I Read Banned Books is my outlet, sanctuary, and habitat for profanity … it always has been and always will be.  Yes, I know I do not need to use profanity but there are times when I want to use it.  Show some respect for my use of expletives, and remember that not only am I going to hell but I will be driving the bus.

Please note the absence of profanity in this post.  Well, butter my buns and call me Biscuit!

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Channeling Hemingway

In The Moveable Feast Ernest Hemingway said, “All you have to do is write one true sentence.  Write the truest sentence you know.” Well, lately that has been easier said than done on this here blog o’ mine.  Higher Ground High School has been a daily source of entertainment and potential blog fodder, but some of the most bizarre things that have been uttered in my office need individual posts and explanations of their own.  With that said, I cannot resist but list some of them here for you in complete random and out of context order just the way you (and by you, I mean I) like them.

  • His street name is Burnt Toast … because he’s really dark-skinned.
  • I didn’t beat his ass for realz; it was a friendly fade.
  • He hit his head on the big dude’s fist.
  • No, the floor was wet, and I slipped and hit my head on the labatory.   (Me:  The lavatory?)  Yeah, the zink.
  • All white people are not Mormons; some of them are devil worshipers.
  • You got some ashy ass lips … Where yo chapstick?
  • All I said to the teacher was “Damn.  We got another 20 minutes of this shit.”
  • (On a discipline referral which I later had to read aloud and explain to a parent) H****** referred to the other student as “Douche Bo Baggins.”
  • (singing) I like to move it, move it.
  • I can’t describe what she is wearing today because it is definitely something you have to see for yourself.
  • Gurl, you need to take yo bebe to the doctor; something is wrong with her eyes.
  • I  drank a forty for breakfast.
  • You ain’t no gangsta; I’ll show you gangsta just as soon as yo ass is in my car.

When I look back at these one true sentences, I recall another great Hemingway sentence:  “The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear.” Won’t I be a lucky girl someday if this much is true? 

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I Tumble For You

Just when you thought I couldn’t get any more Psycho Hose Beast on you, I open a Tumblr account.

If you do the Tumblr thing, follow me there too (unless you want me to go voodoo).  I’ll mostly cross-post the posts I make here, but there will be some things you can only find there.

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News Junkies, Word Nerds, or Shredding Machines?

The Holy Terrors never met a Sunday newspaper they did not like. They are especially fond of the ones we haven’t had a chance to read yet and leave on the coffee table.

Yes, they shredded the whole thing, and this picture only shows a portion of their four-hour reign of terror. This is a prime example of what little fuckers they are. Alas, Boston terriers are just like potato chips ~ you cannot have just one.

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Take Your Passion And Make It Happen!

“Alex” is a high school student by day and a fashionista by night.  He sits in the very front row of the fourth period fashion design class and models his own creations every Monday through Friday.  Today he was channeling 1983 and Jennifer Beals in only the way your token gay male can do.  One of the male assistant principals referred him to me to address his low-cut, navel-revealing, off-the-shoulder, sleeveless and cropped hot pink sweatshirt.   I would like to add that he was wearing a cropped white wife-beater underneath and perfectly bedazzled skinny jeans with black ballet flats.  Now that you have a visual … on to the priceless exchange which transpired when I pulled him aside to address his multiple dress code violations.

Psycho Hose Beast:  Nobody’s denying you have fashion sense, but we don’t show our pit hair or navels at school.

Higher Ground High’s Token Gay Male:  Once again, discriminated against because of my fierce-itude.  You’ll be sorry when you see me on Project Runway.

PHB:  I would be sorrier if I saw you in the remake of Flashdance.

HGHTGM:  Oh no, you didn’t!

Sweet Heyzeus, I hope he wears leg warmers tomorrow.

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Hell Hath No Fury Like a Cajun Scorned

The Cajun people are resolute in their love and worship of the crawfish.

Look at this motherfuckin' crawfish, bitches!

Marinate on this one. If a woman hires someone to kill her estranged husband  and his new girlfriend, it is acceptable; she can just rest at home for three years. On the other hand, if a man steals crawfish, he can bet his thieving ass that he will sit in a jail cell for two years.

Even without me, there is never a dull moment in my hometown, folks.

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Torn Between Two Lovers … Feeling Like a Geekdorknerd

Oh, you probably don’t know who I am referring to in the title.  Let me bring you up to speed.

In my last post, I proclaimed that I was going to dust off the treadmill and start running.  Baby steps have to be taken because I have never been a runner in the truest sense of the word.  However, I do love the idea of being a runner.  I am also obsessed with my laptop and the internet lately.  I know I need to disconnect once in a while, but it is so hard during the summer when I am tired and bored.  It’s not only my stress reliever but also my primary source of entertainment.

After speaking with a consultant on Thursday, I decided to marry my two lovers rather than making excuses.  Oh, yes, I am totally going to love my new relationship with T-Pain and Sweetmeat.  (Yes, I chose T-Pain because beauty is painful.  Sweetmeat has always been my laptop’s name even though I never declared it here on the blog.)

Just for my girl, Citizen Janey,  I am going to consummate this new relationship by watching Mad Men Seasons 1-3 on my new SurfShelf.

Workout.  Have fun.  Get things done. Email.  Chat.  Tweet.  Plurk.  Blog.  YouTube.  Dance.  Hulu.  Facebook.  Netflix.  Surf until the weight is gone.  Whatever it takes.

It’s only a matter of time before I have people standing up and saluting my ass.

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